Growing up, I was always incredibly shy. I know I was young, but I often recall crying out of being uncomfortable for various reasons. Somehow, I ended up in the world of show business. This was always challenging, as it forced me to overcome that shyness as well as put myself in front of others to be judged constantly. As time passed, these challenges became easier to overcome because at the end of the day, putting on a show, expressing myself, feeling rehearsed, making lifelong friends, and of course wearing beautiful costumes, wigs and makeup all made me feel like a rock star.
When I think back to my college days, going to dance classes, voice lessons, acting classes, and rehearsals was all I needed. It was my life. My everything. The second I moved to NYC, my system was in shock. I didn't have that much needed structure of my classes, teachers, directors and friends. Suddenly I was on my own to keep up with the whirlwind of The Big Apple. However, because I was fresh out of college, I was pretty confident. I quickly found my groove, and fell in love with my city. Within a few months I began to book jobs, and I felt like an even cooler rock star.
As the years flew by, the jobs came and went, my friends came and went and the number of candles on my birthday cake became greater. Something began to change within me. I slowly started turning back into this extremely shy child that was uncomfortable in all kinds of situations. I felt fearful of everything from auditions, to dance classes, to dating, to my aging and changing body... I felt confused, alone, scared, shy and even a bit depressed. What was going on?
At that time, I didn't have all the answers. However, now as I look back, I can see clearly. When I was getting what I wanted with the jobs, the money, the friends, the fun and the healthy competition... I had no fear or anxiety. But when some of those things began to fade, all that was in front of me was the cruel competition, the auditions, and the rejections. I no longer felt joy from something that had been my everything. My world no longer felt fun, free and artistic. How was I to get all that back?
For me, it was about coming to terms with leaving it all behind. When I say that, I mean leaving behind the auditions, the rejections, the unhealthy comparisons to others, the aging process of a dancer, and that unhealthy competition. I closed the door on each of those things that were hurting me. I still and always will have a soft spot for a great ballet class, a fierce piece of choreography, a dancer's insane body, and a beautifully pointed foot. Along this new journey, I found my true love (my husband), and I was able to light a spark within both of us that has developed pleasure and happiness with good, healthy competition.
I knew I could never become an inactive person once I stopped focusing on dancing, but I was terrified to try new things mostly because I didn't want to fail. I've never been good at falling down or messing up... not being good at something. That's when the fear sets in. However, after working on my inner self for a while, I knew that if I worked hard, surrounded myself with supportive people and let go of what anyone else thought, I could embrace new challenges in my life until the end of time. As a result, I have overcome so many fears. physical and mental. I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I weigh what I did in high school. I feel amazing. I have joy again. I love competing with myself and I get pleasure out of pushing myself on my own time with no one pressuring me. I thrive under my own self motivation.
I never thought in a million years that I could run a half marathon or ride a fancy racing bike for over 100 miles. I never thought that I could be happy staying in one place and giving up my life of spontaneous travel. I never thought I would feel okay with being a simpler person. For the first time, I feel like I've got it right. I have the outlet to be extremely active, healthy, social, calm and balanced with a splash of healthy competition.
If these things don't exist in your life, I encourage you to find ways to invite them in. It may be just what you need.